They are my monkeys and I’m trapped in my own zoo

I’m going to get one thing out of the way before I begin my tale. I love my husband and children deeply and dearly. There I said it. But let me say one more thing, I feel like a tiger must locked inside a cage. I am mentally pacing back and forth and if one more person sticks their finger through the bars, they won’t be taking it back with them. IMG_6671

It’s not like a tiger that was born in a zoo. No, I’m the kind of animal who use to roam free. If I wanted to go somewhere, I went. If I wanted to try something new, I did it. I suppose having a schedule that must conform to others is all part of having a family but sometimes it’s down right miserable.

We’ve been remodeling our kitchen, so for weeks on end I’ve been sitting, watching workmen labor away. You can’t leave someone you don’t know alone in your house, right? Then I’ve been hurrying off to pick up my children from school, then it’s on to homework, baths and bedtime. Then the day is over. As soon as I open my eyes, it all starts over again.

If you’ve ever seen the movie Groudhog Day, that is my life. It’s the same day … everyday.

On top of all this, I’m accustomed to a very fast paced job. I worked in commission sales and I was damn good at it. My job gave me the mental stimulation I desperately require. But my boys missed me and my husband was having a hard time juggling schedules when I was gone. He’s a police officer and his schedule varies, and that’s putting it mildly.

I went from 100 miles per hour to maybe a very slow crawl. To make matters worse, chaos is a mood trigger for me. It’s been absolute chaos because we haven’t had a functioning kitchen in over a month. I think that played center stage in triggering my recent mixed episode. Without a kitchen, I can’t cook and I’ve reached my limit on microwaved meals and take out.

I suppose all this upheaval is what has also triggered my recent panic attacks. I long to roam. I don’t want to be free. I just want to run from time to time. Stretching my legs would be heavenly. Like I said, I love my family. It’s not from them that I want to run. It’s from the chaotic four walls of my cage … I mean house. 😖

My husband said something a few days ago that almost made me want to eat my zookeeper and naw on his bones. I told him I wanted to go back to work. His knee jerk response was, “Have you figured out how to take the kids to school and pick them up?” He’s a big man but if I could have thrown him off the front porch, I think I would have. In my head, my reaction was, “hey buddy, it took two to tango, and now I’m dancing alone?”

Tomorrow I plan to start taking at least one hour a day to myself … OUTSIDE. The Tennessee River is a beautiful sight running along some of Knoxville’s most scenic parks. I’ve been saying I’m going to do it tomorrow for about a week now and something always seems to get in the way.

My plan is to begin walking for a few weeks and then to start running. Participating in a half marathon has been a goal of mine for a long time. So it starts tomorrow if not, I swear I’m chewing through the bars.

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