Perfectionist, Why Must You Make Me Struggle With Every Little Detail?

I’ve spent the better part of three hours on my blog today. I crafted what I’m sure was a great entry on Bipolar Disorder and its hereditary path through my family.

So why are you reading this instead of that?

The answer is simple. I’m a perfectionist. I trashed it because it didn’t flow properly. It didn’t paint the picture I envisioned. It wasn’t up to snuff.

Some claim the title of perfectionist as a badge of honor. I certainly do not. It takes too much of my time and steals my energy. It robs me of accomplishments I should relish and keeps me from doing the things I want to do because I’m afraid of any small failure.

I know all these things yet I continue to do them just the same. I once took a psychological examination that revealed I have “unrelenting standards” and “fear of abandonment”. Needless to say, I wasn’t shocked. I’ve learned that making people feel like they aren’t good enough for me leads them to leave.

Hell, I’d leave me if I could.

Who wants to try their hardest only to be told repeatedly it isn’t good enough? It’s a form of emotional abuse and nobody should ever be willing to live their life that way. As my luck goes, I still find myself living with an abuser I can never walk away from … myself.

So what can I do? I’ve been told that I need to begin by realizing that nothing is perfect. The catchy phrase “everyone makes mistakes, that’s why pencils have erasers” has been quoted to me a few times. My perfectionist says: Well that’s all fine and good but I don’t want to use a damn pencil. I use pens, so I better get it right the first time.

And thus the cycle continues …

Maybe my first attempt will be here. Now.

I’m ending this blog with no clear cut ending and promising myself that I won’t return to edit it 100 times like I do every other post. … maybe

2 Comments Add yours

  1. gserpent says:

    Maybe if you could just accept that it is perfect, even though you don’t think it is. I see everything as perfect. If everything you created came out the exact way it was in your head, then why even create it. We create it because its not perfect until its created. Just a thought. It helped me to think that things are perfect and don’t need to be changed. They are perfect just the way they are. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I suppose a little perspective might do me good sometimes.

      Liked by 1 person

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