I slept 13 hours last night and thus the snowball effect of today began.
I’m usually up and well into the house tidying routine by 1:45 but I didn’t even manage to make the beds before having to jump in the shower to go pick up my children from school.
“Hopeless” has been the thought of the day so far. I found myself in tears while drying my hair. I pulled myself together and threw on a pair of jeans, Uggs and a shirt before running out the door with my makeup in a big bag under my arm. More and more lately, that’s been the only place I’ve managed to apply it.
I pulled into the pick up line with my fake smile attached to my worn out face. Today it takes almost everything out of me to appear normal and cheery to my sons’ teachers and school staff. I greet my older son with a big hug and pat him on the back as I spy my youngest heading for the car. He jumps into my arms with an animated story from today’s school day. Their little voices run at lightening speed.
They proudly show me what they made and tell me about the things they learned. I’m envious but encouraged and inspired by their enthusiasm.
I’m still smiling and loving on them both. I’m writing this now as I watch them eat ice cream at Sonic. It’s become an after school routine for us. It’s always vanilla waffle cones with extra cherries. Their faces are so happy and their upbeat moods are always something I can count on. I hope they forever remain this happy and steady.
I pray their moods don’t begin to swing one day like mine. I pray they don’t have to fake it.
I will keep the smile affixed to my face, not for me, but for them. I struggle to hide it all. Today is hard but I will get through it. Some days it’s all for them. Days like today they are my sole reason for having any human interaction. They keep me from curling up in a ball and withdrawing from everything and everyone.
One day they will know it was their little hands and big smiles that kept their mommy’s head above water. Today is not that day though. Today, and for as many days as possible, they will remain innocent and unaware of the struggle that takes place in my mind.
Today is hard but I see the beauty and possibilities in tomorrow through their blue eyes. I remind myself they are the eyes I gave them and they are capable of shining.
I come full circle from hopeless to hopeful that my own will shine like theirs tomorrow.