Time speeds past me on days like today. I seem to be standing still.
My children are off playing at their grandparents’ house and I’m working hard on renovating our bathroom. I think I need anything to occupy my mind in this moment. I feel strange and tired, not good or bad – just off.
It’s difficult to write on days like this. You’ll rarely read a post from me in this state of being but I think it’s important to show this side, too. Without sharing this feeling, I don’t think I accurately represent the struggles associated with my Disorder. That would defeat the purpose of my blog which is to educate and relate.
I’m not depressed, I don’t think. I’m just feeling nothing today.
My husband reminds me that he thinks I’m superwoman because I “can accomplish more in a day than most can in a week”. But I don’t feel like superwoman. I feel more like a sloth, unable to move out of my own shadow.
Everything I do today seems like it’s meaningless. Not even the thought of making a new piece of art excites me. I suppose it’s because somehow I feel like a moot point. My contributions seem pointless. This entire mindset leaves me feeling helpless and it’s a feeling I despise.
Perhaps the main reason is because I can’t work a normal job like everyone else. I feel a huge amount of anxiety more and more around people. It use to be something I could mask but now it’s almost paralyzing. I can be extremely productive for a few weeks then not even be able to show up. Of course employers tend to frown on that sort of behavior. I’m also feeling discouraged after launching an Etsy shop. I know my work is good but the buyers just aren’t biting.
When it comes to contributing to my family I feel like a total failure.
I had planned to attend a family dinner tonight. I panicked at the thought of having to be “on” for that amount of time so I made excuses about why I couldn’t be there. It’s easier than voicing the real reason. It’s easier than saying I just can’t do it today.
Instead I’m sitting in a quiet house toiling away at the bathroom and brainstorming ideas for my shop. I need to be in my own head today. Maybe keeping my hands busy will allow my mind to quiet itself.
Several hours after writing the entry above, my husband and children came home. Somehow I feel renewed. Is it possible I was simply lonely? Was I just too deep in my own thoughts? I think the answer to both questions is yes.